With my 31st birthday approaching..

Its fair to say I haven't been writing much-anywhere. Not up to date with my journal, my letters/cards that I so desperately love to do let a lone address this blog I created. I have been in such a bad place mentally that everything has quite simply been to overwhelming. I am determined to get back to doing things. Small things, things that would seem like nothing to most. I cant imagine many people find it a challenge to put words and stickers to a card, address it and then go buy a stamp and post it-especially knowing an overseas friend would, for a moment be distracted from their own struggles, as they see for once its not a bill. But for me, even that is more then what I can achieve on a given day. However as my amazing friend Sabrina constantly reminds me its 'one day at a time'.

My head is currently split between various rather large issues. One that isn't quite as distressing is that I am approaching my 31st birthday. Its a strange feeling. One I know I don't have the writing skills to articulate. But I guess to put it very simply, it signifies 10 years of being 'openly' unwell. Whilst I struggled with depression and obsessive behaviours and rituals, some even including food from an early age in secret, I don't count my true battles as beginning until I was 19. That is the age where I can truly say my eating disorder began, it is the time I began both running and falling at the same time.

So why am I making a deal of being 31 then, and not 29 you may ask?

In New Zealand, your 21st birthday I guess is your 'comming of age', the birthday that truly welcomes you to adulthood-perhaps in the past it had other significance, however now days 16 and 18 are the ages where you gain rights and freedom. I cant say I had a typical celebration of my 21st birthday. I had moved to Australia by this age. I was working and loving my Independence, especially having money, saving money, budgeting and making plans how I would spend this money. I didn't have any concrete plans-however further study in a different direction to my graphics training, travel, and property where the goals. This was a good reason for me not to invest anything in a party-especially given the fact I have never been known for being a social butterfly and besides having already set up a flat of my own I had purchased all the typical 'flatting' presents you receive. So for me my 21st was a quiet affair. I was to come home for a long weekend and have a gathering of family and family friends arranged and hosted by my parents. I suppose this is where it all gets tricky, and perhaps a little bit sad, or pathetic however you choose to look at it.

When preparing my trip back to New Zealand my 20/21 year old mind was not thinking about what presents I would get, what clothes I should wear to my party, not really even what I wanted to do whilst I was home (minus seeing my beloved dog). No it was working out how I was to address my weight. I find it sad that I could not tell you many details about my trip home, but I could tell you my weight. I remember I gained a little before my trip as painful as that was to do. But I now weighed less then I did during high school, and even in my now very unwell mind I was fairly sure it would not go unnoticed. So my memories focus around telling mum that I had lost weight, that it was simply a side effect of my depression, that I was now 'getting help with'. That was the first time I had ever addressed my mental health. And that is where I left it. (Until what I will now refer to as my 'intervention' a few months later)

I am realistic enough to realise that with age and time our goals and dreams for life change. Life takes many twists and turns, people end up starting one job or degree only to realise they want to study in a different area, families come into play maybe earlier then people planned, perhaps later. However I really truly at age 21 whilst open to the idea of change, could never EVER have predicted that at age 31 I would be back home in New Zealand by necessity rather then desire, more unwell then I could ever have imagined. With no travel, no education, no 'progress' and very limited work under my belt for the extra decade of life I have lived.